How to Cope With Changes in Life #9 [Feed 2021]

Let’s face it: as life happens, some events feel like a nasty scratch on a brand new car. And sometimes it feels like you are the car.

In the case of a real car, a short pit stop at our local mechanic often does the trick and we can look back as if it was a nightmare we just woke up from. But what if we feel like the ‘scratch’ happened within us? Will things ever be the same again? What can be recovered?

Before we go all the way to solve this problem, we need to remember one thing: to breathe. Breathing mindfully is the first step to descending into the troubled inner waters and return better than before.

Breathe out,

Deeply breathe into your belly

Feel the air as it fills your lungs,

hold your breath for 3 seconds

& breathe out again.

How Humans Process Change:

In this section we will go through the stages of grief as recognized by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Every change possesses similar aspects to grief. It is a “letting go” and reorienting towards something unfamiliar.

As you are reading the following bullet points, look for memories where you found yourself in a similar situation. Take notes on your findings for reference.

“Can this be true? Hopefully not!” [Denial]

On a dark and rainy winter evening in 2019 I went home from the train. As usual when commuting, I wore a set of on-ear headphones listening to music. The headphone cable got caught somewhere and by trying to loosen it, I pulled the semi-fitting headphones right off my ears. They fell. My desperate attempt to catch them was just a bit too slow and they crashed down on the street. The sound of breaking plastic reached my ears and I heard it like in slow motion. My insides cringed hard. The only barrier between me and the noisy world around was shattered. Like a wounded animal I picked my headphones up. Should things really end like that? Lonely, on a dark road in the rain? Walking home, I felt a strange numbness in my chest. Did this really just happen? Did I really break my headphones? This can’t be true…  

“I knew it! If this didn’t happen everything would be fine!” [Frustration]

The next day I forced myself to see what the damage was. My little patient was out of luck. A connecting piece that held the right speaker in place was broken. Just a tiny pin. Even with the biggest optimism there was no way of fixing this. And finally, I also found ‘someone’ to blame: the dark, the rain, the wind, the time… and my inability to break the fall.

“It wasn’t that important after all…  never mind.” [Bargaining]

My heard was bleeding. Yet I decided to move on. I’ve had this pair of headphones for quite a while and there are already newer and even better ones on the market. “It’s okay”, I told myself. I will find a better pair somewhere… (knowing I was lying to myself in some way an play it cool).

“I feel so powerless with this hole in my heart.” [Depression]

It doesn’t matter if there are better headphones, I want my old ones back! No uproar, just desperation. Hope was gone and presenting myself the project of even just some weeks without headphones made me feel even worse. A solid new pair meant a medium investment for me – a fact that made my heart sink even lower.

“Is this a small light of hope? Let’s follow it.” [Experimenting]

Well, maybe I can look up headphones on the web. Sooner or later there will be a sale and I can get a good value deal. Let’s see if there is something that can save the day. It may be hard but it is the only way to move through this. Every ride on the train without headphones will only drive me deeper into missing my old ones. It’s time to move on.

“I walked the abyss. Now we are friends.” [Acceptance]

What’s gone is gone. We can’t bring it back. I got it now. How I decide to handle the situation will decide what my life will be like in the future. Things will be new and things will break. That’s how it always was and always be. Clinging to the past is just too sad and painful. I need a positive perspective. There must be another way than mourning spiced with regret and I will find it. There is a solution. For me, headphones are more than a means to an end – they are freedom, escape and focus.

“The darkness was exactly what I needed.” [Integration]

Recently I heard about noise cancelling. I’m curious what it can do. This model looks quite nice. And it got good ratings too. I guess it will be a worthy successor to my previous one (which I will never forget). I will listen to music on the train again – undisturbed by conversations and twangy noises. Seems like we got a winner.

How to Follow Through:

Did you find parallels to some of your experiences?

They will help you to navigate through your very own experience of change and overcome emotionally challenging times.

How to navigate emotionally challenging situations:

Consider these points as a guideline:

  • Assess the Situation
    • What makes me sad or resentful? – dig down to the very need
    • What do I need to let go?
    • Where would I like to be?
  • Make space for emotion
    • Whatever torments your soul, express it. Write, draw, sit still and cry, dance, run, do sports. Changing your physiology changes how you feel and helps you to process what is going on inside. Express what is there in your way.
  • Feel through the mess and be honest to yourself about what you really need.
    • Feel into the pathways of your pain. Which feelings follow each? What makes you feel in what way?
    • Get to know the paths back into emotional balance.
    • Rediscover happiness by thinking about all the good things that happened in your life.
    • Do something you like even if you don’t feel like it.
  • Return stronger
    • Always view difficulty as something that helps you to evolve. Never let it define you. Change is a teacher.
    • Remind yourself of what’s important to you in life. Which important experience did this event hold, to make you stronger than ever?
    • Appreciate yourself for the efforts you make.
      • Finally sneaked in a workout session into your busy day? Celebrate it!
      • Managed to read a paragraph in a book you wanted to start for ages? Another small victory!

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. …”

Charles Bukowski, Factotum

References:

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